Fic, Numb3rs, Don Doesn't Know Much Abourt Art, But... Part 2 (?), Don/Ian, 18

[fredbassett]

Title: Don Doesn’t Know Much About Art, Part 2 (?)
Fandom: Numb3rs
Characters: Don Eppes, Ian Edgerton
Rating: 18
Warning: None, we’re all adults, I hope
Summary: Don is unimpressed
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money made, don’t sue, no stoats were harmed in the making of this fic
A/N: Attempts to Google stoat + distribution + Los Angeles were a trifle inconclusive, albeit amusing, so the presence of one in this context may not be strictly accurate. Apologies to anyone who knows more about the distribution of mustela erminia than me!

 

“Drink your champagne, sweetie, and try not to hit anyone, even if they do deserve it.”

Edgerton’s voice was low, amused but with just a hint of steel.

Don glared.

“He is sooooo rejecting materialistic society, darling. Stunning, just stunning ……”

Don re-directed his glare at the speaker, a large woman with what appeared to be a dead stoat dangling from one ear. Spray painted silver.

You’re talking about a fucking dried dog turd nailed to the top of a pile of scrap metal.

Edgerton’s hand slid down his ass in a way that could definitely be described as possessive.

And distracting.

Don barely managed to restrain a yelp as that damned thing pressed up against his insides in a way that he DID NOT LIKE.

“The use of colour …….. form ……….tension ……….it certainly can’t be described as safe, can it?”

It’s four blobs of purple splattered onto something that looks like a plant pot with a coat-hanger stuck through the middle, suspended in a plastic box, right?

Are you fucking stupid?

By the way, there’s a stoat hanging from your ear, in case you hadn’t noticed.

He wondered if he should mention the stoat. Perhaps she wasn’t aware of the fact that it had died.

Mind you, you wouldn’t spray-paint a live stoat, would you? 

That’d be cruel.

And illegal.

He entertained himself with thoughts of calling the Wildlife Protection Unit and having her arrested.

Edgerton’s hand moved again and an unwelcome jolt seemed to head straight for his cock. WHAT THE FUCK?

It became immediately obvious that these jeans hadn’t been designed for erections.

Why the sodding hell was that thing having this effect on him anyway?

And sodding hell was not the sort of phrase he wanted to have going through his mind at the moment.

And the sort of damn feeling he was getting from his ass right now was not what he wanted either and for fuck’s sake, do people do this sort of thing for fun?

Perverts.

He drank some champagne too quickly.

Bubbles surged up his nose and he fought the urge to cough.

He really didn’t want to think about what would happen if he coughed.

He coughed.

IT dug in.

Sensation flared again.

His jeans got tighter.

Edgerton chuckled.

 

TO BE CONTINUED (POSSIBLY)

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

again, i repeat:

oh. my. God.

yeah. uhm. don't totally gonna jump ian, right? and ian really is the devildemonevilincarnate, right?

[fredbassett]

Well I certainly suspect Ian's enjoying this a lot more than Don is! And you're right, he is!!

O.M.G.

[dserene1.livejournal.com]

... is right. This is ..gah!

And the inner monologue about art? Fabulous! (I've got some experience with pretentious art-weasels, and .. yeah).

This was also a learning experience, as I had no idea what a stoat was so I HAD to google it. Did I mention the part where I laughed so hard I though I was going to spill my tea?

Your work should come with a PSA about not holding hot liquids whilst reading.

Re: O.M.G.

[fredbassett]

Ooops, sorry about the tea!

I found all sorts of amusing things when I tried to find out if there really were stoats in the USA, but as I came up with a group in L.A. called The Stoats, I decided to go for it!! And it's just such a lovely word. (They're cute critters as well, but probably not spray-painted silver!)

[oddegg.livejournal.com]

Awww - poor Don, we feel your pain, honest *veg*
I'm sure Ian will kiss it all better...

- and would dseren1's art-weasel be related to the stoat in any way I wonder?

Can't wait for the next bit! : )

[fredbassett]

I did toy with an ear-ring weasel, but the word stoat worked so much better in the monologue :)

The two "art-lover" comments were almost verbatim over-heard in a gallery from a few years ago, and I've been looking for a home for them for years :)

[munchkinofdoom.livejournal.com]

You and entangled_now are going to be the death of me. *nods*

[fredbassett]

*attempts revival of munchkin*

It's not a conspiracy, honest!

[entangled-now.livejournal.com]

It's totally a conspiracy!

[fredbassett]

Comprising stoats and cats ........... and possibly intestinal space weevils ....

[munchkinofdoom.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder what would happen if we locked you two in a dark room together. I'm tempted to find out! *veg*

[admiralandrea.livejournal.com]

:snicker: Don, Don, Don... You know you're loving it really! This is priceless *g* Thanks for the laugh :-)

[fredbassett]

Glad I gave you a laugh, sweetie!

[entangled-now.livejournal.com]

Don's entire internal stoat monologue...that was the funniest thing I've read in months! Thank you so much for that, really.

Insane amounts of love!

[fredbassett]

Perhaps we could team up Don's stoat with Mrs Bell's cats?

I'm glad you enjoyed the stoat, I would have hated to have spray-painted innocent wildlife for ear ornamentation needlessly :)

Stoat!Love

[entangled-now.livejournal.com]

Don's stoat + Mrs Bell's cats it's like a conspiracy of porn, inappropriate and utterly wrong but filthy anyway!

I love Don's stoat, I can totally imagine the hideous silver monstrosity in my head.

[telperion-15.livejournal.com]

Genius! I worship at the altar of your comedy guruness!

And why do I think Don's not quite as bothered by THAT THING as he claims to be *evil grin*

Also, funniest Author's Note I've ever read - it tortured me all afternoon!

[fredbassett]

Glad it worked! I posted late last night and then promptly decided this morning that I should have waited and done more editing, but it was too late by then, the stoat had gone public!!!

[telperion-15.livejournal.com]

And before you know it the stoat will be in all the gossip mags, and will have its own late-night chat show. And then everyone will want a silver spray-painted stoat earring! Mwhahahahahahahahaha!

Um, I may have gone a little off the point here...

[fredbassett]

I do have a very bad feeling that the stoat may well make a bid for stardom ...........

Firt my fic people take over my life, now their ear-rings are doing the same. I think I need Therapy.

Dear Doctor Stoat ...........

I need a Don laughing icon...

[melissima.livejournal.com]

Hee! We're a comedy trend! Now just imagine if there was a little glitter left over near Don's eyebrow, while he's being so grumpy and uppity. Wouldn't Ian enjoy needling him about that?

Re: I need a Don laughing icon...

[fredbassett]

There's something compelling (and hot) about a grouchy Don. He would do Grumpy!Slut sooo well. And a little glitter would be perfect.

The trouble I find with fic!Don is that he veers between angst and silly like a car with a blown tire and I never know what mood I will find him in, hence the need to run two fic series in parallel. *sigh* Why do fic people never behave themselves?

[emmademarais.livejournal.com]

Okay, if Don's original jeans are the Jeans of Justice (TM) what are these ones called?

Edgerton is WAY too gleeful about this. Hehehe

[fredbassett]

Don would probably say the Jeans of InJustice ........

Don Eppes looking like the hooker slut from hell in spray-painted jeans ...... can you blame Ian for a bit of glee?

Looks like you've been catching up with some reading :) Thanks for the comments!

[emmademarais.livejournal.com]

Injustice! Bwhahahaha! Oh that's hilarious. You have to share that at some point.

Don as rent boy is good fun and Ian letting down his stoic mask to indulge in a bit of glee is a huge bonus.

Yes, I've finally taken some time to go one by one to some LJs (yours and Corona's) to get caught up on all I missed in the last month or so. It's been fun. And same offer applies - no need to reply to them all.

[fredbassett]

I loved Corona's Inappropriate Series. She does lovely comedy fic. Oh and the sex is damned hot, too!!!!!!!!!!

[emmademarais.livejournal.com]

Generally I'm allergic to crackfic, but somehow she always managed to stay just over the line of what I can handle and keeps it funny and hot. I admire that and now I want to try it as well. I did a few humor fic a while back just to prove I could write humor, but then I kind of put that aside. Clearly I should try again since it's so much fun.

Here's one off the top of my head. It should give you an idea of what I do for humor.

An Unexpected Outcome

[paranoid-woman.livejournal.com]

LOVED how you made Don start to wonder if people did that for fun. He knows he likes it, but he doesn't want to admit it, not even to himself! LOL

And Edgerton touching his ass???? *g*

Oh my, I love this! ♥

[fredbassett]

LOL, thanks, hon :)