Fic, Sublimation, Becker/Stephen, 12
Feb. 5th, 2018 08:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredbassettTitle : Sublimation
Author : fredbassett
Fandom : Primeval
Rating : 12
Characters : Becker/Stephen, Lester/Ryan, Lorraine, Abby
Disclaimer : Not mine, no money made, don’t sue.
Spoilers : None
Summary : There are some days when self-immolation appears to be a wholly proportionate response to the actions meddling colleagues.
A/N: Finished for the Fic Fix It Challenge
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
It appears increasingly likely that the above will come in for heavy use in the coming month. Two members of staff appear to be smouldering so much that I fear for the fabric of the building in the event of spontaneous combustion of one or both parties. In the circumstances, I believe it would be prudent to ensure that all relevant equipment is in good working order.
JPL
From: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
Dear Sir James,
Records indicate that all testing is up to date.
Kind regards,
Lorraine
PS Have you considered simply hitting the pair of them with one of the larger extinguishers? It would create less mess. And be less disruptive to other staff.
PPS Even Dr Hart and Captain Becker would find it hard to smoulder whilst unconscious.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
Good point, well made.
JPL
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: First Aid Kits and Accident Book
Following your excellent suggestion, please ensure all first aid kits meet the appropriate regulations and that we have an Accident Book on the premises. I seem to remember that the last one came to an unfortunate end courtesy of Mr Temple’s pets.
J
From: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: First Aid Kits and Accident Book
a) Already done
b) In the bottom drawer of your desk
Yrs etc
LW
* * * * *
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
You bastard.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
In my defence, I am serving Queen and Country.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Bollocks. You are in a pub.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
I’m working.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
I repeat, you’re in a pub. I can sense these things. When are you coming back?
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
If I told you that I’d have to kill you.
* * * * *
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: h.becker@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Excessive use of government property
Kindly stop sublimating.
JPL
From: h.becker@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
FW: Excessive use of government property
???
Becker
From: lorraine.wickes@homeoffice.arc.gov.uk
To: h.becker@homeoffice.arc.gov.uk
FW: Excessive use of government property
Dear Captain Becker,
In my capacity as Sir James’ official translator, I believe that what he’s trying - with greater than usual subtlety - to say, is something along the lines of the following…
Kindly desist from spending quite so much time on the firing range adding to your already excessive ammunition consumption and simply ask Dr Hart out for a drink.
Yours sincerely,
Lorraine
* * * * *
Becker stared at the email for a long moment and then slowly lowered his head and banged it on the desk. Any hope he’d had of the attraction he felt for Stephen Hart remaining a closely guarded secret known only to himself (and his mother, who – he was absolutely certain – spent a considerable amount of her spare time advising the Americans on enhanced interrogation techniques) had been dashed from a great height and then stamped on by Lorraine’s very elegant heels.
The whole bloody place knew. That was now depressingly obvious. He banged his head on the desk again and wondered if it would just be easier to put himself out of everyone else’s misery.
Abby stuck her head around the door. “Did you knock on the wall.”
“No.”
She eyed him suspiciously. “You’ve got a red mark on your forehead.”
“I dropped a stapler and banged my head on the desk.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You haven’t got a stapler. You sent a memo yesterday demanding its return.”
Becker cursed inwardly. She was as bad as his sodding mother.
“I borrowed one.”
Abby rolled her eyes in a gesture she’d obviously picked up from Lester. “Just ask him out, Becks.”
For an unfortunate moment, Becker’s brain coupled the words ‘just ask him out’ with the last name in his head, namely Lester. A vow of celibacy suddenly seemed an attractive prospect.
The slam of the door as Abby left his office felt like another nail being driven in the coffin of his sanity.
A thump on the outside of his door made him groan. “Go away, I’m busy!”
“Too busy for coffee and cake?” Stephen Hart’s voice sounded amused.
Becker groaned again and wondered whether he could escape via the ventilation ducts, but the last time he’d tried that he’d ended up with a mousetrap on his nose, courtesy of Danny Sodding Quinn.
“Coffee, cake and paracetemol?” Stephen offered. “Sounds like you need it.”
“What I need is for everyone in this fucking office to stop poking their noses into my non-existent sex-life!”
The door opened, and Stephen stared at him, not doing a very good job of keeping a straight face.
“I just said that out loud, didn’t I?” Becker groaned and buried his face in his hands.
“You did. Sorry, mate.”
“Shoot me now.”
“Can’t. Lester’s ordered a freeze on all non-essential expenditure of ammunition until the end of the month.”
“Who said it’s non-essential?”
Stephen went away for ten minutes then came back and plonked the tray down on the desk. Two coffees, two Danish pastries and a packet of paracetemol. Boots own brand, 29p a packet.
“If we can get through to six o’clock without an anomaly shout, how about a curry?”
Becker’s self-esteem rose a notch. “Just the two of us?” He couldn’t quite manage to keep a note of hope out of his voice.
Stephen’s answering smile was warm. “Just the two of us,” he promised.
The need for headache tablets promptly receded.
The coffee and Danish pastry went down very well, though.
As did the curry.
****
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
It’s safe to come back.
J
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Thank fuck for that.
Get some beers in, I’ll be back in an hour.
T
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Beer, dear boy? This one deserves champagne.
But I’ll allow you to have pizza afterwards.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
You’re all heart, darling.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
So I’m told. :)
Author : fredbassett
Fandom : Primeval
Rating : 12
Characters : Becker/Stephen, Lester/Ryan, Lorraine, Abby
Disclaimer : Not mine, no money made, don’t sue.
Spoilers : None
Summary : There are some days when self-immolation appears to be a wholly proportionate response to the actions meddling colleagues.
A/N: Finished for the
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
It appears increasingly likely that the above will come in for heavy use in the coming month. Two members of staff appear to be smouldering so much that I fear for the fabric of the building in the event of spontaneous combustion of one or both parties. In the circumstances, I believe it would be prudent to ensure that all relevant equipment is in good working order.
JPL
From: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
Dear Sir James,
Records indicate that all testing is up to date.
Kind regards,
Lorraine
PS Have you considered simply hitting the pair of them with one of the larger extinguishers? It would create less mess. And be less disruptive to other staff.
PPS Even Dr Hart and Captain Becker would find it hard to smoulder whilst unconscious.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Servicing of Fire Extinguishers and Sprinkler System
Good point, well made.
JPL
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
Subject: First Aid Kits and Accident Book
Following your excellent suggestion, please ensure all first aid kits meet the appropriate regulations and that we have an Accident Book on the premises. I seem to remember that the last one came to an unfortunate end courtesy of Mr Temple’s pets.
J
From: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: First Aid Kits and Accident Book
a) Already done
b) In the bottom drawer of your desk
Yrs etc
LW
* * * * *
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
You bastard.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
In my defence, I am serving Queen and Country.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Bollocks. You are in a pub.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
I’m working.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
I repeat, you’re in a pub. I can sense these things. When are you coming back?
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
If I told you that I’d have to kill you.
* * * * *
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: h.becker@arc.gov.uk
Subject: Excessive use of government property
Kindly stop sublimating.
JPL
From: h.becker@arc.gov.uk
To: lorraine.wickes@arc.gov.uk
FW: Excessive use of government property
???
Becker
From: lorraine.wickes@homeoffice.arc.gov.uk
To: h.becker@homeoffice.arc.gov.uk
FW: Excessive use of government property
Dear Captain Becker,
In my capacity as Sir James’ official translator, I believe that what he’s trying - with greater than usual subtlety - to say, is something along the lines of the following…
Kindly desist from spending quite so much time on the firing range adding to your already excessive ammunition consumption and simply ask Dr Hart out for a drink.
Yours sincerely,
Lorraine
* * * * *
Becker stared at the email for a long moment and then slowly lowered his head and banged it on the desk. Any hope he’d had of the attraction he felt for Stephen Hart remaining a closely guarded secret known only to himself (and his mother, who – he was absolutely certain – spent a considerable amount of her spare time advising the Americans on enhanced interrogation techniques) had been dashed from a great height and then stamped on by Lorraine’s very elegant heels.
The whole bloody place knew. That was now depressingly obvious. He banged his head on the desk again and wondered if it would just be easier to put himself out of everyone else’s misery.
Abby stuck her head around the door. “Did you knock on the wall.”
“No.”
She eyed him suspiciously. “You’ve got a red mark on your forehead.”
“I dropped a stapler and banged my head on the desk.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You haven’t got a stapler. You sent a memo yesterday demanding its return.”
Becker cursed inwardly. She was as bad as his sodding mother.
“I borrowed one.”
Abby rolled her eyes in a gesture she’d obviously picked up from Lester. “Just ask him out, Becks.”
For an unfortunate moment, Becker’s brain coupled the words ‘just ask him out’ with the last name in his head, namely Lester. A vow of celibacy suddenly seemed an attractive prospect.
The slam of the door as Abby left his office felt like another nail being driven in the coffin of his sanity.
A thump on the outside of his door made him groan. “Go away, I’m busy!”
“Too busy for coffee and cake?” Stephen Hart’s voice sounded amused.
Becker groaned again and wondered whether he could escape via the ventilation ducts, but the last time he’d tried that he’d ended up with a mousetrap on his nose, courtesy of Danny Sodding Quinn.
“Coffee, cake and paracetemol?” Stephen offered. “Sounds like you need it.”
“What I need is for everyone in this fucking office to stop poking their noses into my non-existent sex-life!”
The door opened, and Stephen stared at him, not doing a very good job of keeping a straight face.
“I just said that out loud, didn’t I?” Becker groaned and buried his face in his hands.
“You did. Sorry, mate.”
“Shoot me now.”
“Can’t. Lester’s ordered a freeze on all non-essential expenditure of ammunition until the end of the month.”
“Who said it’s non-essential?”
Stephen went away for ten minutes then came back and plonked the tray down on the desk. Two coffees, two Danish pastries and a packet of paracetemol. Boots own brand, 29p a packet.
“If we can get through to six o’clock without an anomaly shout, how about a curry?”
Becker’s self-esteem rose a notch. “Just the two of us?” He couldn’t quite manage to keep a note of hope out of his voice.
Stephen’s answering smile was warm. “Just the two of us,” he promised.
The need for headache tablets promptly receded.
The coffee and Danish pastry went down very well, though.
As did the curry.
****
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
It’s safe to come back.
J
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Thank fuck for that.
Get some beers in, I’ll be back in an hour.
T
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Beer, dear boy? This one deserves champagne.
But I’ll allow you to have pizza afterwards.
From: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
To: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
You’re all heart, darling.
From: james.lester@arc.gov.uk
To: tom.ryan@hotmail.com
Subject: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
So I’m told. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:21 pm (UTC)According to the file properties, I started this in May 2013! *headdesk*
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Date: 2018-02-05 09:06 pm (UTC)I was giggling through the entire thing. The email format was absolutely perfect, and you had the peoples' "voices" down pat - I didn't even need to read the sender's name to know who was writing that one.
Bloody brilliant!
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:21 pm (UTC)Fic Fix It has it's first score!
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Date: 2018-02-05 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:59 pm (UTC)Love that Ryan had escaped for the duration. I hope Lester made him pay for it!
Who won the inevitable sweepstake, though?
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Date: 2018-02-05 10:02 pm (UTC)Lorraine, I imagine. *g*
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Date: 2018-02-06 04:16 pm (UTC)This is sublime.
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Date: 2018-02-06 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 10:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 09:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 10:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-07 10:15 pm (UTC)I always find email exchanges fun, they give such an interesting view into the inner workings of a place.
I am glad that Becker and Stephen finally sorted themselves out.
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Date: 2018-02-07 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-09 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-18 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-18 05:47 pm (UTC)